I have been doing a lot of thinking, although most of the times, people wonder if I think at all (Frank)... :)
Lately, I know that God has been doing some magor testing in me and I start to question life in general. I know he loves me and bessed me but then I start wondering why he is doing everything he is. With all the problems I am having with nursing, birth, and now the car being stolen and our chances of going to TN has dropped to a low chance. I know there is a reason and I need to be ok with God doing all he does. I don't need to give myself a place to question the God who created me and who gave me a husband when I didn't deserve him, nor am I allowed to question a God who gave me a wonderful son who reminds me of God everytime I look in his eyes. So why do I struggle with just letting God take the lead and me to sit in the backseat with my mouth shut and my heart open. Kinda reminds me of life in general. I have always had a problem with trust, whether it had to do with people or with driving. People hated driving with me in the car. I got so nervous and annoying that at times I would just lay down and close my eyes cause I didn't want to watch us crash. :) I really drove people nuts like Chasah and Neharah. But if my spiritual life, I am the same way. If i am not in control, then I struggle letting go of the wheel and trusting God to stay on the road. he is a lot better driver then me, I am sure, but why do I hold on so hard? What am I fighting to stay in control? What am I afraid of?
I don't know, and that is why it frustrates me to no end. Why can't I just be ok with God and his plans. It is my goal by the end of this year, to let my life go and let the driver take control. No longer holding on to what I fear but letting whatever happens, happen. God is my maker and I am learning to be his child instead of me telling him what I want or need and being a spoiled rotten know it all.